Is Coping Wrong?

On reviewing an old post questioning whether America should legalize marijuana, I began thinking about the reasons that I used to argue for legalization. What were the benefit to people and society?. And that got me thinking about coping, as coping is the main reason for addictions, at least in the beginning. Is coping "wrong"?

All humans cope to escape fears, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, boredom, anger, loneliness, lovelessness, isolation, and I'm sure I'm leaving some human emotions out. All of these feelings leave one seeking answers, or questioning one's existance, and one's future. All humans do this.

Psychologists and psychiatrists, have medicatons and therapies that address such feelings. But there are numerous ways/therapies in which these feelings are addressed. And medications depend on the diagnosis. But, therapies and medications are acceptable ways of coping. "Addictions" are not.

What is an addiction but a way to cope? Addictions are wrong because of a person's dependence on them. but, depedence on a therapist and medication is not considered unhealthy. The problem with addictions is the costs to the indvidual and society at large. Interesting, isn't it? Acceptable coping is a "cost analysis" to society, first and foremost.

I am in no way justifying addictions, but questoning society's means of addressing such addictions and asking why is this methold useful or accepted?

Religous ways of coping are no more less an addiction, but seems worse to me, because it is depending on a transcendent realm that isn't even possible to affirm. Twelve step programs use "a power greater than oneself" to get beyond addiction. Why would this work? Is it a sense of being "helped"? I believe it is more the case that these Twelve Step groups are support groups. People tend to respond to "like-mindedness". It gives them a sense of identity and less a sense of isolation, which addresses one of the main culprits of addictons, "hiding one's true feelings".

Coping is and should be a way of living, as none of us are immune to pain, suffering and chance in this world. Therefore, we do need friends especially in times of crisis. But, friendship everyday helps everyone to cope a little better in this world. And I believe such need is of major importance n our society today. This is one reason why social networking on the Internet has become so popular! All human need a friend.

Anger About One's Own Naivete'

Today, a friend from far away called. She and I understand and accept one another because we "know" each other. This is "Human Nature" in relationship. One's way of viewing reality can be different but the ability to tolerate difference is really dependent on one's self development and where one personally chooses to draw their boundaries and what one ultimately thinks is valuable. I think that prejudice cannot be avoided for this very reason.

Today, I was expressing my journey and she picked up my anger and told me that if she didn't know me, she'd think I was angry at HER. She knows me better than that. I understood and confessed that I was really angry at myself. I had made many choices based on what I had understood to be a universal understanding, and it wasn't.

All political dialogue is based on terminology that must be investigated as to definition. Definitions define and reveal assumptions, ends, and ultimately whether values are on the "same page" or not.

Politics has a habit of using such rhetoric and not revealing the underlying assumptions of value. Those that are not educated in critically thinking through whether what is said, is equatable to what is understood. might just be duped into believing that we "all" agree! when we really don't!

I am angry, but I will eventually "get over it", because I am changing my allegiances, and understandings. I am pursuing and investigating. I am just glad to have friends that value me apart from what I believe or don't believe, or what I value as ultimate or not ultimate, because these are true friends, indeed....And true friends are one of life's greatest values, because they support you in your journey in life, no matter where it leads!

Review of Eat, Pray and Love, with Julia Roberts

I love movies by Julia Roberts. She plays real life people and she does so, well!

Last night my family watched, "Eat, Love and Pray". The story was about a twenty/thirty something young woman that was seeking to "find herself". The problem was, she had committed to a marriage before she was really ready. She found that her identity was tied up in pleasing her husband and not based real world values, but a futile attempt to "find onself in marriage"! She learned a human lesson that many times ends "empty marriages"; co-dependency.

She eventually asks for a divorce, and ends up seeking her fulfillment with another male companion and a religious identity. Her shallow and under-developed ego grasped onto another relationship and tried to make her own meaning from another's meaning.  Her close friend advises her that her religious identity was another "way of escape "dressed up in different form"! She again, eventually faces the fact that she cannot escape her need to "find her own way". She plans again to escape a "wrong relationship" and made plans to travel to Italy, India and Bali.

In her travels abroad, she learns a new language, experiences the kindness of strangers, who become good friends, that offer her comfort, and a challenge to forgive herself for her failures and not to let her failures hinder her future happiness.

 She eventually meets her match in Bali. This man had raised his boys alone and she was captivated by his tenderness and kindness. But when he finally faces his own fear of "loving again",  she runs for fear of "loosing herself". She has to also face her fear of "love" and acknowledge that loving freely is a choice of value, which is not an enmeshed identity, but a offering of "self" to the other. Her fear of enmeshment was not ungrounded, but needed the challenge of others to help her overcome.

The end of the movie show her taking the challenge of "loving again" and one is left with a sense that this time things will be different. She and he will be free to choose, and live in open dialogue about their needs, fears and visions about their future. This is when love is healthy and of mutual benfit to both parties involved!

I would recommend the movie to anyone that is interested in a journey of  human courage and hope.

Friends Are Also For....

Friends have many 'jobs". But, these jobs are not "jobs" in the proper sense of the term, because friends are "joys".

Friends are important for celebration. A celebration is not the same without friends. These celebrations are important events in one's life, whether they be graducation from kindergarten, or graduation of one's child from high school. Friends love to experience life with you.

Friends are there during times of grief, when there is nother than anyone can say to comfort you. Friends know that words are absent meaning is such times, but they also know that their very presence speaks volumnes about love, care and concern.

Friends know how to tell you the truth. They inform you "objectively" without objectifying your 'person'. One can recieve from a friend these "gems of truth" because trust is the very essense of the relationship. Trust is the food of the relationship, whereas, respect is its food. A friend's concern is never disrespectful, because they want the best, when they see the worst.

Friends have memories that are shared just between the two and memories that are shared with larger groups. These memories bind one with the other with an identification that connects "hearts and lives". And friends call this "love".

"That's What Friends Are For"....

There was a song long ago that I used to like, "That's What Friends Are For". I couldn't help but think of that song tonight as I was thankful for the friends I have.
They have blessed my life today, and everyday they have been a part of my life, these past 55 years. This is to commemorate these friends, as well as to honor friendship in general.

Friends don't have to ask questions, they know you, therefore, they just "know".

Friends don't demand, demean, or dishonor because they really care about you.

Friends like to spend time together, as friends enjoy each other's company. There is acceptance.

Friends seek to encourage, when their friends are down and out. They seek to find ways to "say" "I love and care about you".

Friends are there when you need them. And there are many times that you need them.

Friends always have space, and time for you because you are important.

I think being a friend is an important job. I hope that my friends always find this true of me, as I seek to grow in these areas.

Our Son's Leaving

Today is a celebration of our youngest son, Nate. He has left our home, which is quite normal at his age. But, his mission is a noble one of serving our country.

Our older son had taken off work, so he, our daughter and Nate could eat breakfast together "one last time". After breakfast and Nate's last minute packing, our children and I sat in their Dad's study, one last time. And I saw Nate tear up and look away several times. I knew I was not going to make it without shedding a few myself.

As I took him to the recruiting office where he was to meet others for his ride to Indianapolis, I off-handedly remarked that he probably would not miss our small town. To my surprise, he said he had enjoyed growing up in the Mid-West, not because of the location, but because of the friends he had made. He said he would miss them. I was proud that he valued his friends and that his view of 'location, location" was "where his heart was". We have always tried to impart "family values" and relational priority.

At the recruiting station, he told me that he didn't want me to go in. He said he was in the Army now, underscoring his independence from "his Mom". I got out and he hugged me so tight and didn't even look my way, as he picked up his bag to walk away. I felt my heart torn, but I drove away giving him room to "grow", and take flight.

As he said, "I will miss the people, the friends I have made". And we will surely miss him.

Bless him.

Personalities, Friendship and Hospitality

Just last evening two friends dropped in unexpectedly. I loved that they decided to do so, as it "says" a couple of things to me that I think are important. They thought that they would be "welcome" and my heart would be "open". It is nice that they thought so "highly" of me, besides the fact that they wanted to see me. It was a nice visit, as I hadn't seen one of them in a year. We needed to share the events in our lives. The visit got me thinking about the friends and family we saw in Europe and it made me smile.....over the differences in personalities and in how they showed their hospitality!

One friend, Fritz, is so outgoing that he greeted me with a bear hug, continued squeezing my arms as he kissed me on each side of the face three times and told me "how beautiful I was"! I told my husband that that would not be a bad greeting ever so often :)! He is a friend of my husband's since before junior high days and they were part of a motocycle "club" of their own making. Soon after arriving, Fritz took us to "scout out" his local town. He treated us to ice cream and we went back to meet his daughter, Iris. Iris has just graduated from high school and was to take her examinations to enter Cambridge to study English and literature. She wants to teach in Japan. She loves Japanese culture and hopes to meet a Japanese man. It was a delight to talk with her. She has made an impact on her father, as well. Fritz has taken an interest in her interest of reading and it was interesting to share their "experiences" in reading around the dinner table. Trus, Fritz's wife, had made lasagna, in honor of our upcoming trip to Italy.

We visited Chris in his Swiss chalet overlooking the Alps! We had heard about this chalet for over 30 years, as Chris was my husband's room-mate while getting their Ph.Ds. He teaches Physics 3 days a week in the French-speaking side of Switzerland, although he was brought up in the Italian speaking side. But, he spoke Swiss German to his sister, who we also met, after hearing of her for many years! I had to grin as I watched the two of them discuss "metaphysics". It was like old times, as if time hadn't passed at all. But, then, my husband started abruptly speaking Dutch! I sat there not knowing if Chris understood everything or not. He was cooking "sheep meet" over an open fire. When I interrupted my husband to ask if he was aware of his change of language, we all laughed. We were blessed as we awoke the next morning to a sliding glass door view of the snow covered Alps with evergreens all around! The chalet sits at one of the highest passes in the Swiss Alps! It was breath-taking. When I mentioned how beautiful the view was and why anyone would want to save that room as the guest room, Chris' sister, Ursala, said that she had given her room to us! I was touched.

When we arrove back from Italy, we went to see another old friend from my husband's motorcyle club, Aad. He and his wife talked about European politics, business, and our children. They took us to a charming local resturant and we were grateful for their picking up the tab. It is so interesting to get another side of the story in political/cultural/social issues and these friends have always obliged us with good conversation and stimulating discussion.

My husband's family was no less hospitable. We stayed while in the Netherlands with his sister and brother in law. They had just moved into a high rise, and tho they had less space than usual, but made space for us. They travelled with us throughout Italy and we enjoyed their company. Rob tends to sing in the morning, as he is a morning person. The rest of us are not! But, I always had to smile when I heard him in a nearby shower stall singing away. We have a family joke about Rob's singing a "Fa" (a brand name soap and shower products) song while we camped as a family with them in France many years ago.

Even though we experienced many hospitable people throughout our time in Europe, I was most touched by my husband's graciousness as we travelled back through Germany to the Netherlands. We stopped at a nice hotel outside of Rottenburg off the "Romantic Road". We had stopped in Rottenburg about 19 years ago, when my husband attended a conference in southern Germany. He had wanted to "experience" this again with me, and reminisce, as well a express his gratitude for my "living" in a pup tent and cooking over a camp stove for the past three weeks while travelling in Italy. I was hungry, so he wanted to accompany me to the hotel's resturant, where the view would have taken anyone's breath away. But, because he had not been feeling well and had had a high fever for a few nights, I insisted that he not sit with me. We resolved the problem with room service. So, I enjoyed a nice meal while watching CNN. My husband slept. This is normal for my "tender" husband. And it showed his open heart towards me. I was blessed.

So, our trip to Europe this time was a double blessing, as we got to visit in the individual homes, instead of meet in a "pub". And we delighted over each person's unique way of expressing their hospitality. I loved it and them.

Marriage as Role, Function, or Covenant?

Marriage is a sacrament in the Christian Church. Even though the Church holds this sacrament as a universal one, there are diverse views as how the marriage is to function.

Some believe that the roles and functions are defined by gender and gender determines the role. Their view takes the Scripture literally in the wife being submissive to the husband. The serpent beguiled Eve first, so, this means that Eve must submit, as she is easily decieved. This view sees "order" as primary. While there is nothing wrong with order, is there something much more important at issue when it concerns marriage?

Marriage is also understood as a covenant. Covenant was a ancient binding agreement of life for life. The exhange of life of life for life is not based on role, function or gender, but on commitment of life. This way of viewing marriage is understood in Jonathan and David's relationship. Their relationship was a protective and intimate one. Their relationship was not based on gender identification, but on what was important in the relationship. Jonathan defended David from his own father, King Saul. Saul's jealousy threatened David's life and Jonathan sought to defend, enlighten, help, and fight for David.

Those who function on an honor/shame basis, which is an "ordered" way of understanding, would see the wife's role as bringing honor or shame to the husband, but never the other way around. Shame is useful to "put someone in their place", in socially conforming to social norms. Although our culture does not function as much along those lines as in the past, there is something to be said about raising a child's conscience in regards to society and responsibility. This is where the family is important in educating the child's conscience.

I find that this is not the best way to understand marriage, as marriage should be based on friendship first and foremost, not on "forms" and confomity to a cultural norm. Relationships that are based on friendship are not defined by role and function. It is a relationship that is based on trust, respect, honor and defense. Such relationships go beyond race, gender, politics, etc. as these relationships are defined by the two people involved.

Love to Finale

My heart goes out to my dog this evening. She came down with pneumonia. It was diagnosed two weeks ago and the vet said initially she sure looked and acted healthy for a dog so sick. (He had listened to her heart.). But, tonight she is finding it difficult to breathe. She has been on four differnent antibiotics. I'd taken her in every day last week to get shots, but she has still not responded. She is little more than a walking skeleton today. But, it is so hard to know when to let go, as she is only 3 years old. But, tonight, I am willing to let her go, because I don't want to see her struggle to breathe.

I have loved all my dogs, as they have been my best friends. Dogs love you no matter what. They are loyal and faithful friends. Finale was an exceptional example and it was hard to leave her behind last year while we were in D.C. She followed me everywhere and loved showing and getting affection, which I certainly obliged. She was a happy dog. She used to jump with all four in the air, as she didn't know how big she was (she was a mix of Chow/Golden Retriever). And even though I had wanted a white dog, Finale has won my heart with her temparment. She is gentle and sweet like the Retriever and fiercely loyal and determined, like the Chow. Wim had named her Finale, as he thought it would be our last dog. But, now we aren't so sure.

Finale was loved by our whole family, but the individuals in our family had different ways of expressing it. Our son, Nate, had agreed initially to keep her here at the house while we were away last year, but it became problematic, as he was in school and working all day. Finale was used to having attention, so when I came home to visit last October she would hardly come to me on her own, as she had grown unaccustomed to human contact. It broke my heart.

Our other son, Daniel decided to keep her at the house where he lives. The family there have two outdoor dogs and two indoor dogs. She likes both the inside and outside. As the family lives in the country, she enjoyed her freedom and roamed their acrage. Both the boys had had interaction with her over our absence.

Our daughter, Rebekah, and her two dogs came with her family most every week-end before our leaving for D.C. and her two dogs grew fond of Finale. Our granchildren would love to pull her ears, pet her head and she would just let them be children with little response. Hannah would come in and the first thing she would often say was "Tallie, where are you Tallie"....

Today, Daniel and his girlfriend came for lunch and he was heartbroken upon seeing her and how she'd lost so much weight in a week. He had checked up on her through the week and asked me to call him if something changed with Finale.

Our son, Nate, came late in the day and looked at Finale and said, "Mom, she's dying, I hope you're not putting any more money into her. She needs to be put to sleep" ( His major is, you guessed it, business!)...(I told him that I knew who not to depend on when I got older :) )...

Rebekah is too busy with her children to be too concerned (and they are more important).

Our children have had unique responses to Finale's sudden demise. She is our dog and she was loved very much.

We will all miss her!